Pfizer Announces Patent on LSD, CDC Issues Dose Mandates

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New York City-based pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced that it has patented LSD, using their broad powers of regulatory and institutional capture to override the prohibition against patenting naturally occurring substances.

Pfizer CEO Alberto Bourla issued a press release stating that “Our mission at Pfizer is to create a better, healthier world that we’re in complete control of. We’ve generated record profits over the last few years, and now it’s time to double those profits at the expense of an equitable patent ecosystem in the psychedelic space and beyond.”

The CDC was coincidentally immediately prepared to issue mandates requiring citizens of every country to receive two Pfizer-manufactured LSD microdoses over the next two weeks.

When asked what the Pfizer produced LSD was intended to treat and why the dosing mandates were ordered, a representative of the CDC stared blankly into the camera and lit a hundred dollar bill on fire.