Struggling D.A.R.E. Program Rebrands as Trap Chocolate Purveyor


    The infamous D.A.R.E. program that falsely promised millions of children that drugs would be free and available on every corner has pivoted into the trap chocolate business to sell questionable research chemicals under the guise of ‘magic mushrooms’.

    “Our program has been an egregious failure in preventing drug use, but it ultimately ended up creating an unprecedented rise in new potential customers that we’re now looking to tap into” says a spokesperson for the program.

    “The consensus among our new customer base is that most of them never thought twice about substance use until we came barging into their classrooms between music and science class and told everyone that eating a tab of paper could elicit visions of cartoon characters and feelings of ecstasy and what we then considered to be artificial self-worth. Times have changed, and we need to course correct as an organization to embrace that.”

    D.A.R.E. ‘trap chocolates’ are mainly available via sketchy Telegram and Meta accounts that impersonate well-known and respected visionaries in the mushroom chocolate space. To order yours, simply type ‘psilocybin’ into the text of any post you make online, and you’ll be flooded with offers for D.A.R.E. chocolates.