Biden Expedites Psilocybin Legalization After Learning It May Treat Alzheimer’s

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    President Biden has issued an Executive order to fast track the legalization of psilocybin after learning that the mysterious tryptamine may help mitigate the effects of Alzheimer’s disease. Biden, who is currently 80 years old, is looking for re-election help in a different cabinet outside of his council of advisors  – he’s looking to the medicine cabinet.

    After his administration recently designated psilocybin and MDMA treatments as breakthrough therapies and announced that they anticipated medical legalization of the drugs in the next two years, the President began tracking psychedelic content posted on Reddit, Twitter, and LinkedIn to stay abreast of trends and developments in the space.

    After reading yet another platitude posted by an anonymous Shroom Influencer account swearing that psychedelics help with memory, Biden knew that this time it was for real. He issued a top-down order to implement a rigidly-controlled and industrialized system for state-regulated psilocybin access in the next 48 hours, starting with himself.

    When asked how he expects the prospects of psilocybin legalization to impact his bid for re-election, Biden had this to say –

    “The American people don’t need a Republican Head of State, or even a Democrat Head of State for that Matter. What the American people really need is an optimally functioning brain inside of their Head of State. I believe that the legalization of psilocybin could help to make this a reality.”