Local Ceremonial Cacao Vendor Self-Values Business at $1.3 Billion


    A Cleveland area Ceremonial Cacao shaman who went to Guatemala on a gap year trip for two weeks once has struck imaginary gold by deciding the value of his enterprise is worth no less than $1.3 billion.

    “The valuation of my cacao business is justified because my medicine songs elevate the potency and bioavailability of the theobromine contained within the cacao I ordered off Amazon” commented the 20 year old ceremonial savant.

    “The cacao itself is $16 a pound wholesale, but when I bless that shit, it takes it to another level. I see people overcome generational traumas and manifest abundance on a regular basis in my group containers. If anything, $1.3 billion is a conservative estimate.”

    The objective value of the ceremonial cacao market is oftentimes confusing to people who haven’t experienced the magic of an overpriced neoshamanic ritual bordering on biopiracy.

    “With this new valuation, I can justifiably charge 20x the price I’ve been commanding – which is already approximately 300x the actual value of the cacao. Magic happens when you allow blind confidence and charisma to inform your offerings.”