Tucker Carlson Heads to Costa Rica for Ayahuasca Retreat

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    Beleaguered Ex-Fox News Host Tucker Carlson is reportedly en route to Costa Rica to embark on a soul searching quest at a luxury Ayahuasca retreat located on the Osa Peninsula.

    “My traditional conservative American belief system has led me to steer clear of any form of spiritual quest or healing that isn’t validated by the Christian church and the pharmaceutical industry. But now that ayahuasca has been co-opted by the establishment as a socially acceptable form of psychic exploration, it’s as American as apple pie and oligarchy. So I’ve given myself permission to experience oneness in an ultra luxury ayahuasca retreat favored by celebrities and corporate executives.”

    When asked why he was headed to Costa Rica and not Peru, Tucker’s answer was uncharacteristically woke.

    “Ayahuasca is a gift to the human race, and it’s my belief that we should be propagating and stewarding over this gift in environments outside of its original context and tribal origins by embracing a synthetic version of it. I’m concerned about the sustainability that high-influence public figures like myself might have on the native habitats and social customs where ayahuasca is endemic, so I’m going to boof synthetic pharmahuasca at a $3000 a night retreat situated in a gated enclave of Costa Rica. Costa Rica has already been entirely colonized by neoliberal white shaman figures, so my presence there doesn’t pose as much of a risk as it might elsewhere.”

    Tucker Carlson is the latest in a long line of operatives who played straw man to provoke ire and act as a red herring for gullible Americans. His swift departure from the network that relied upon him was definitely out of line with the current agenda of the industrial and political forces he purported to be railing against, which is why they allowed it to air on one of the most viewed television news programs in the history of American media.

    It’s unclear what’s next for Tucker, but odds are good he’ll grow dreadlocks and start carrying a hape applicator around.

    This is a developing story. Please stay tuned for more updates.