Cacao Ceremony Facilitator Offers Land Acknowledgement Before Leading Bougie Expat Soirée

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    Leaping Dingus, a first-generation American expat shaman living in Medellin, Colombia, was tired of the disrespectful attitude he perceived from other medicine workers engaging in neocolonial practices across his adopted homeland.

    In six months of ceremonies here, not a single facilitator had offered a land acknowledgement before getting zooted with the other expats” said Dingus. So he grabbed his nuts and decided to do something about it.

    “I decided it was time to show the people here who’s boss. I virtue signaled like a motherfucker, offering a land acknowledgement to the original inhabitants of this great land – who were some type of indigenous, though I don’t think anyone really knows who they were anymore. The acknowledgement itself is what counts, not the granularities of who we’re acknowledging or in what context.”

    Since performing his first land acknowledgement, expat interest in Leaping Dingus’ ceremonies has increased ten fold. Bougie expats from all the districts of Medellin arrive to see him perform his ‘ceremony within a ceremony’, and they’re willing to pay extra to feel more aligned with neocolonial performative bullshit disguised as empathy.

    I’ve been able to double the size of my cacao ceremonies while also increasing the per unit profit on the cacao sacrament itself. It pays to be a conscious capitalist” said Dingus.

    “Next month we’re launching our branded version of the cacao ceremonies we do into the global market. We’re calling it ‘Sacred Clown Cacao’ , and every bag comes with a little land acknowledgment insert that people should read aloud before consuming this ceremonial cacao.”

    Sacred Clown Cacao plans to sponsor Coachella next year, a move that requires significant capital. The brand will begin franchising their ceremonies in expectation of this push into a major US market.

    When asked where the cacao used in the ceremonies is sourced from, Dingus proudly answered that ‘We buy our sacraments on Amazon, but they’re also actually from the Amazon. It’s the best of both worlds.”